Building Genuine Relationships with Unbelievers

A very timid gentleman had heard his pastor preach over and over again about boldness in sharing Jesus with the lost. This man began to pray for the Lord to give him a sign as to when he was to witness. The next day he got on the bus to ride to work. Just as he sat down, the biggest, meanest-looking man he had ever seen got on the bus, walked down the aisle, and sat next to him. When the man sat down, he began to weep. He turned to the timid man and said, “I'm lost and don't know how to be saved. I need someone to tell me about Jesus. Are you a Christian?” The timid gentleman immediately bowed his head and prayed, “Lord, is this a sign?”

Just as in this story, tongue-tied Christians often want God to do all the work. Instead, God commands us to take an additional step in order to transition to the gospel.

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:5-6)

Build Genuine Relationships

From these verses, you can see that God expects even the most tongue-tied Christian to interact with outsiders in conversation. If God is going to open doors in conversation, it will happen as we build genuine relationships with unbelievers. The gospel message travels best from one person to another over the bridge of a genuine relationship. In this chapter, we will consider what genuine relationships are and where we build them. In the next chapter, we will examine how to be wise in building those genuine relationships.

Not a Phony Relationship

What exactly is a genuine relationship? Let’s start by examining what a genuine relationship is not. A genuine relationship is not a phony relationship. To be genuine is to be real, sincere, and honest. A genuine relationship occurs when we are being sincere in our conversation, not fake or artificial. We stop being genuine when, in our own strength, we try to turn a conversation to spiritual things. Much like a used-car salesman, we might not be really interested in the other person. Our only interest is in making the “sale;” that is, turning the conversation to the gospel. Any friendly, preliminary conversation is only to help us make a faster “sale.”

Slowly, I realized God is the only one who can open doors for the message to be shared. I cannot. When I tried to force open a door, I failed. When he opened the way, the conversation was Spirit-led and natural. Realizing that God had to create the opening, I began to relax and interact with people more sincerely. Now I talked with them as individuals made in the image of God. I did not try to manipulate the conversation toward spiritual things. If God opened a door for the gospel, then I was ready. If God did not open a door, I was not going to force one open. As a result, I began to relate to people genuinely, without hypocrisy.

Any evangelistic method that encourages us to manipulate the conversation is not helpful. It will bother our conscience and cause us to feel dishonest. Instead of being genuinely interested in a person, we are acting. And play-acting is the definition of hypocrisy. As bearers of the message of eternal life, our job is to genuinely love the people we meet. Rather than feel pressured to turn the conversation to spiritual things, we are to pray and ask God to open a door. As we sincerely interact with non-Christians, they will feel our love and sincerity. And if God opens a way for the message, they will not feel manipulated.

Not Necessarily a Friendship

If we can err on the side of being too shallow and uninterested in a person before we share the gospel, we can also err on the other side. A genuine relationship that serves as a bridge for the gospel is not necessarily a friendship. Many recent books have encouraged us to befriend non-Christians in the hope of sharing our faith. These books rightly pull us into the non-Christian’s world. But in my own life, there were two unintended consequences of trying to befriend non-Christians.

First, I wrongly assumed that I could not talk with a person about spiritual things unless I had invested heavily in that relationship. Actually, this assumption caused me to share less. None of us has enough time to befriend all the non-Christians we could. Friendships take time, and life is busy. In addition to the biblical call to evangelize, there are commands to love our families, love the church of Jesus Christ, use our spiritual gifts, study the Bible, and so forth. Add in the demands of work, extended family, maintaining a home, and guess who is squeezed out? The lost. If I will only share the gospel with non-Christian friends, then I will probably share my faith once every couple of years. I don’t think that is God’s plan for his children.

My second wrong assumption was that my friendship would be enough to win my friend to Christ. I thought if I could only show him the love of Christ and the peace in my heart, then he or she would be attracted to Jesus. The truth is that some people will not be won over to the gospel no matter how much you befriend them. They may enjoy the benefits of your friendship much as the crowd enjoyed Jesus’ provision of bread. But the crowd was not interested in the bread of life (John 6:25-42). In my life, friendship evangelism became a lot of friendship and very little evangelism.

A Genuine Relationship

It is more realistic to accept that there are different kinds of genuine relationships. A genuine relationship may include a friendship, but a friendship is not a prerequisite to sharing your faith. When Jesus talked with the Samaritan woman, she was not a friend of his. They had just met. Yet Jesus built a genuine relationship with her and then shared the good news about himself (John 4:1-26). Philip interacted with the Ethiopian eunuch in a similar manner (Acts 8:26-40). In both cases, they had just met the people with whom they shared the good news.

As you seek to build genuine relationship with unbelievers, you will realize that those relationships come in many forms. There is the genuine relationship you have with your co-workers, which is different from the genuine relationship you have with the person who cuts your hair. That relationship in turn is different from the relationship you have with the parent you just met on the playground.

If we treat people genuinely and wait for God to open the doors, we can share the gospel in all types of relationships. For example, the Lord opened the door for me to share with several of my co-workers who were not close friends. Several other times I have had the opportunity to share with people I met once and never saw again. Although these people were not friends, in each of those situations I was relating to them genuinely and waiting to see if God opened a door. When he did open the door, I was able to walk through it.

Where Do I Build Genuine Relationships?

Before we talk about how to build genuine relationships, we need to ask, “Where do we build those relationships?” The best answer to the question is, As we go.

When we look at Jesus’ Great Commission to his disciples in Matthew 28:18-20, we see that the two prominent commands are (1) go and (2) make disciples. Based on this and other verses, we rightly conclude that the Church of Christ is to take initiative in reaching out. We do this in many ways, including sending out missionaries, conducting formal evangelistic campaigns, and sponsoring official church visitation teams. These are excellent answers and certainly are a fulfillment of this command. But if we are not one to officially go, like as a missionary or even on a church visitation team, then it is easy for the tongue-tied Christian to put this command out of his or her mind. After all, we say to ourselves, we cannot evangelize all the time. We have to go to work. We have to take care of our families. We have other ministries in the church to do. And so we make an unbiblical distinction between evangelistic people, like a missionary or pastor, and non-evangelistic people, like the rest of us. But the main command of this passage is “make disciples.” So even in times when we are not officially “going,” Jesus’ followers are still called to make disciples. While certainly Christians are to go, we must not overlook the opportunities we have as we go about our everyday activities.

As You Go

So where are you to build genuine relationships? Build genuine relationships as you go about your day. As you go for your haircut. As you go to your high school or college class. As you go to your dog show. As you go to your craft class. As you go to work. As you go to the playground. As you go to your high school reunion. As you go (and wait!) for your child at soccer. As you go to the dentist. As you go on a business trip. As you go to pick up the pizza. As you go on a sales call. As you go. By realizing that we are to make disciples as we go, life becomes a treasure hunt. We begin to look for doors that God is going to open.

Paul writes that God: determined the times set for [men] and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. (Acts 17:26-27) Perhaps one reason you are at this job or taking this class or at this playground is so that you will have contact with the others who are there. Since God controls everything, he has ordained that all of those people be there.

Before we had children, my wife worked in a stockbroker’s office for one year. She would often witness to a broker there who seemed friendly yet antagonistic to the gospel. Eventually, we developed enough of a relationship with him that we became acquainted with his wife. Sue trusted Christ first. John came to the Lord several years later. And now they have since led several others to Christ. Why was Sharon at this job? One reason was to come into contact with this family.

As You Go to Work

One of the most natural places to build genuine relationships is at work. Work is where we go most often. Many of us spend eight or more hours with our co-workers everyday. They know our character and the quality of our work. Alan Wolfe, in his One Nation, After All, makes this observation:

It is the workplace where most people learn about themselves, find out which values are truly important, make friends, develop their networks, eat their lunch, give to charity, fall in love, discuss television and sports, and learn what’s on the minds of other people.

Most of us are closer to our co-workers than the neighbors on our street. As a result, the gospel travels well at work. In our church, over half of the men who became Christians as adults came to Christ through the witness of a co-worker.

God has always spread his message in places of commerce. For example, the land God gave to his people was at the center of the ancient trade routes between Egypt, Babylon, and Asia. In the normal rhythm of commerce, foreign traders would travel through and naturally come into contact with the God of Israel. They, in turn, would bring this knowledge back to their people. Today, God still uses business relationships as a normal method of spreading the gospel.

Yet the work environment is one of the most secular environments around. Sports, weather, and family are acceptable topics of conversation. Grumbling about the boss and other workers is acceptable. But talking about religion is not. If we are going to bring the gospel to our co-workers, we need to learn how to transition through the secular barriers to the gospel. We will discuss this point in chapter 5. If you work outside the home, realize that God often uses business relationships as a bridge for the gospel. Whether employer or employee, you are in full-time Christian work. Your mission field is the people you come in contact with at work. Look for opportunities to sow the word among them.

As You Go Through Trials

In addition, we can also build genuine relationships as we go through trials. Our trials can actually serve to further the gospel. Jesus promised his disciples that they would receive persecution. “And you will be brought before governors and kings for my sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles” (Matthew 10:18). What the disciples might have viewed as random persecution and defeat for the gospel was actually part of God’s plan to reach the government officials!

Paul understood this truth when he wrote from jail, “Now I want you to know that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel” (Philippians 1:12). He viewed his circumstances in light of the progress of the gospel. Far from being discouraged by sitting in a Roman jail, he was rejoicing. The message of the gospel was progressing because of his suffering.

In a similar way, God often derails our plans with trials. But in God’s sovereignty, those very trials can actually serve to advance the gospel. Some trials are large. But God can still use those to spread the message. A good friend wrote this about his father-in-law’s struggle with terminal brain cancer:

Last Friday, Don was released from Yale-New Haven to go to the Chestelm Nursing Home in East Haddam, Connecticut. During this sixty-five-day “visit” at Yale-New Haven Hospital, Jesse, a personal care attendant in the neurological unit, came to faith in Christ. Her co-workers said she’d find help for her problems with “those people in that room¾they always pray a lot.”

This story illustrates building genuine relationships as you go through trials¾even in the hospital! But God is also at work in small trials. For example, although we had lived in our neighborhood for eight years, we barely knew any neighbors beyond those immediately surrounding us. All that changed when a neighbor informed us that our tiny street was to be turned into a through road. With a common enemy, the neighborhood rallied together. A neighborhood association was formed, and I was one of three members elected to a steering committee. Out of this unexpected problem came closer neighborhood relationships and several chances for me to spread the message. (And, yes, we stopped the road from coming through.) God will place similar situations in your life. You can fight with God, or you can see these problems as a chance to share the gospel. As we embrace these trials, our attitude should be like that of Joseph toward his brothers. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). What you think of as harming you can in fact serve to advance the gospel.

Go Into the World

After a little reflection, some Christians may realize that they don’t have any significant contacts with unbelievers. They are unable to obey the command to act wisely toward outsiders because they only interact with insiders. All their friends are Christians. They fill their week with Christian Bible studies and phone conversations with fellow believers. Retirees, homemakers, and pastors are particularly vulnerable to this trap. What is the answer for the Christian already pressed for time? While doing something else develop relationships with non-Christians.

Have you wanted to learn more about personal computers? Take a class for the purpose of learning about personal computers and developing relationships with unbelievers. Do you need to exercise more? Join a gym for the purpose of exercise and developing relationships with unbelievers. Leave the Christian “ghetto” and become acquainted with non-Christians in your area.

God expects that his children will interact with outsiders as we go throughout life. As we treat people genuinely, without hypocrisy, God will open doors for the message to go forward. We can relish looking for these divine openings in each day.

For Thought, Discussion, and Action

After taking a class on sharing your faith, have you ever felt you were being asked to build a phony relationship with another person? Why? Did it bother your conscience? How did you respond? Have you fallen into the trap of believing you can only share your faith with friends? What have been some positive results of this belief? What are some negative results of this belief? Where do you typically go during a week? Where can you initiate conversations and build genuine relationships with unbelievers as you go about your life? How effective have you been in bringing the gospel to those with whom you work? What new insight does this chapter give you? Can you look back on any trials and see how they might have been used to advance the gospel through the new relationships God brought into your life? Do you fit in the category of those who have few significant contacts with unbelievers? What could you do with a secondary purpose of rubbing shoulders with unbelievers?

View the Table of Contents

Order Evangelism for the Tongue-Tied

Sign up for our free, Tongue-tied Newsletter. On a regular basis, you will receive evangelism tips, resources and stories. As a bonus for signing up, We’ll send you the special e-report, “Twelve Evangelistic Prayers God Will Answer.” You can unsubscribe at any time. And we will never rent or sell your name to anyone else. Your privacy is important to us.